She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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