I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize