Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
