broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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