if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
