If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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