I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
