Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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