I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
