I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
