she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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