Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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