i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
