I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
