not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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