Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
