is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
