I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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