My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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