I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
