I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
