if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
