they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
