Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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