I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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