i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
