I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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