i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
