You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
