I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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