Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
