I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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