so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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