This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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