And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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