i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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