i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize