i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
