I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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