When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
