I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
