I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
