New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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