Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
