party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
