i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
