I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
