btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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