She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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