She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
