i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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