im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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