i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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