he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize