it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
