CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
