So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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