she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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