Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
