it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
