Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
