The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
