so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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