dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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