Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
