I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
