she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
